Top Ten Funny New Year's Resolutions

New Years Resolutions are broken as readily as they are made. According to Franklin Covey a management research firm, 40 percent of New Year's Resolutions get broken and a whopping 33 percent of people will break their resolutions before the month of January is up. Of the remainder of people who work towards their resolutions only 40 percent achieve their goals on the first attempt and 17 percent finally make their goals after the sixth attempt. These results are based on a long term research study completed by the University of Washington.

While I wholeheartedly believe in setting goals my resolution for this new year is not to make any resolutions. By doing so I release myself from that sense of grief and despair that follows after breaking a New Year's resolution. Breaking a New Year's Resolution is typical for most people because there is no sense of reward in between. There is only success or failure. People generally do not think in terms of rewarding themselves for achieving small successes. We want it all or nothing.

So in honor of all of those who have suffered after breaking their New Year's Resolutions, here are some funny resolutions that were definitely meant to be broken.

#10 - I will stop putting others first and be completely honest and forthright. I will speak my mind instead of holding my tongue.

* When the cashier opens her lane and calls out to help the "next person in line" I will open my mouth and tell the person who jumped out from the end of line that it was I who was next and they can stop being so selfish and wait their turn.

* I will honk incessantly in the drive through when I order fast food and the cars in front of me have not moved for over three minutes.

* I will let my boss know that he is an arrogant jerk and relies on me too heavily and demand a raise.

* I will tell the sales clerk at the grocery store that he should use deodorant because I can smell him from across the counter.

#9 - I will save money by skimping on household cleaning supplies and utilites.

* I will spray febreeze or perfume on the armpits of my shirts and the crotch of my pants to save on the dry cleaning bill.

* I will cancel my cable and watch tv programs a day later on Hulu.com

* The dogs can lick the plates clean. After all their mouths are cleaner than ours.

* I will avoid the shower to save on the water bill.

#8 - I will drink more.

* I always wondered what beer, wine, gin, tequila, vodka, rum and brandy taste like mixed together.

* I will frequent liquor stores on Friday nights and during the day on Saturday to take advantage of their beer and wine tasting events.

* I will only crash weddings that have an open bar.

#7 - I will not worry about making a solid impression at work.

* I will come up with more creative excuses for being late to work than "my alarm never went off"

* I will use my sick days by calling in "well" on a bright summer day and go to the beach.

* I will find a valid way to make surfing the Internet relate to my job description and duties.

#6 - I will behave like a kid.

* I will press the button on every talking and animated toy animal in the toy store.

* I will blame all my mistakes and errors on my younger brother.

* I will shove all my food from my dinner plate in my mouth at one time then ask to be excused from the table so I can spit my mouthful in the toilet. Then I will ask to have dessert.

#5 - I will teach my children independence.

* I will let my child pick out their own clothes and go to school wearing a plaid shirt and polka dotted pants.

* My children can pack their own lunches. I am ok with peanut butter and potato chip sandwiches. Who wouldn't be?

* I will let my children practice copying my signature so that they can write their own excuse notes for being late or absent.

#4 - I will stop being nice to my spouse unless I really want something from him.

* Being nice is over rated. He still won't keep his feet off the coffee table even after saying please.

* Men are usually super nice when they want sex. If I act nice when I want to have sex with my husband, I will never be nice again.

#3 - I will only eat foods that are good for me.

* Chocolate has antioxidants that help lower blood pressure and reduce other ailments. I will eat some every day and wash it down with wine.

* Wine has antioxidants and reversitol which help to reduce bad cholesterol levels. I will be sure to drink it especially when eating chocolate.

* French fries, yum! Most fast food chains only use vegetable oil so there is no trans fat. When I am tired of eating chocolate I will have french fries and wine because who gets tired of wine?

#2 - I will go on a diet.

* See number three.

#1 - I resolve to find something that is funnier to write about than funny New Year's Resolutions.

Happy New Year!